2024. Why haven’t I been writing? It’s been a strange time. There’s a few different factors that when put together form the explanation. It’s not just the writing. It’s a general sense of haziness and lack of focus.

I had been looking forward to a day near the end of 2023. I had been seeing that day on the horizon the whole year and was working toward it. I had goals set and I was focused all year on those goals and that day. 2023 was a journey towards that day. 

And the day came and went. Then what? I didn’t abandon everything I’d been doing or give up on what I’d accomplished but the focus and intensity weren’t there anymore. It’s natural to have a let down in that situation. I recognized that and wasn’t concerned about it. 

The end of 2023 and the beginning of 2024 was an in between time while I regrouped and figured out what was next. But I never quite got there. Everyone in my house was sick in January. January was incredibly gray even by New England standards. And it was wet. That’s a tough combination in the winter. If you can deal with the grayness and cold you still have the potential to get outside but when it’s wet that’s an unpleasant threesome.

We were just slogging our way through January and the start of 2024. Before 2024 started I was excited about it but once it got here I was still transitioning from pushing toward those 2023 goals and then the sickness and the weather of January…it just slowed the whole process down of getting to what’s next. 

And the little stressors kept adding in. Our older dog had been living with heart failure for sometime and in January we put her down. That sucked. I never had to make that decision before. Our last dog died suddenly and spared us of that. This time we had to choose. And she was our kids first dog. Anything unpleasant sucks even more when you have to watch people you care about suffer through it too.

While we had things to celebrate in February there had been an almost constant stream of drama in our lives all year and it continued and perhaps heightened in February. If the things that are adding to the pile are little, the pile is still getting bigger. 

I could step back and look at the big picture and see that we were fine. The big stuff was ok. More than ok. But the lives we were living day to day were stressful and the weather was gray, wet, and cold (thankfully February’s weather was an improvement on January).

There was a point near the end of February when I might have lost my mind a little. 

But what I found throughout all of this was that even though I was unfocused and the view was foggy, I wasn’t floundering. My baseline or set point was different than it used to be. The work of the previous year (and really all the years) had made a difference. Being aimless in my teens or twenties was vastly different than being aimless now. I had routines and rituals in place to keep me on track even if I didn’t know where that track was going. 

So what am I doing here? Why am I telling you all of this? It’s not a confessional. When I write these things I’m trying to draw some conclusions. I’m not trying to tell my story. When I write about my own experiences I’m trying to do it in a way that is relatable. Or if you can’t relate to what I’m writing about I’m at least trying to make it entertaining so that you can laugh at me. 

This year has been strange so far. I’m still sorting it out and trying to figure out where I’m headed but it’s fine. It’s not a big deal. I’m not thrown off by not knowing what I’m doing or what I’m aiming at. We all don’t age the same way, but for those of us that are paying attention and trying to learn and grow there really are advantages that come with age. It’s harder for us to lose our balance. I’m not afraid that the view is foggy or that I can’t really see where the road is going because I’ve been driving for a long time now and I’ve driven through worse weather than this. 

For those of you that relate to that, congratulations to you. But we’re all not old. The young among us FEEL what they’re experiencing. They haven’t been practicing as long. Their baseline isn’t as well established. They haven’t been through it as many times and can’t fall back on previous experiences. It hurts more. It feels more serious. Sometimes it feels like the end. 

When we’re old we know it’s not the end. There are lyrics from my favorite Pearl Jam song that I always think about: “And if our lives became too long would it add to our regret? And the young, they can lose hope ’cause they can’t see beyond today. The wisdom that the old can’t give away, hey”

We can avoid that regret by being present in each moment and by passing along what we learn. Be kind to the youngsters, they don’t know what we know yet. Tell them to hang on.