Author: Ack

	I took a walk along a point that sticks out into the waves recently. Starting the walk, I realized that I don’t necessarily plan what I’m doing moment to moment but I continue to find myself outside when I have nothing pressing on my time. 
	Greeting someone on the trail can be a little weird. Do I say “Hi”? Do I leave them alone? I didn’t go out into nature to hang out with other people and they probably didn’t either but here we are. It would be more weird to ignore each other, right? After saying “Hi” to a couple people, I decided to give a good “Hi!” to everyone. Reminded me of my friend Mark. He was enthusiastic and generally way friendlier with people than I am. I gave a good “Hi!” to the next guy. Not a great response but I continued on with a huge smile thinking about Mark and this whole conversation going on in my head.
	As I was walking, it occurred to me how being in the presence and awe of the real world can snap you out of your normal mental programming. On a curve of the trail, I came upon a wide open view of the shore and the ocean. Not a cliff, just a little drop off but I was still elevated a bit above the shore so I had that advantage built into my point of view. The wind was hitting me in the face. The brightness of the Sun through the clouds aimed at me. The ocean and its waves and that power coming right at me. That’s a smack to the mind. Even the volume as the waves crashed on the shore. It made the conversation in my head stop. 
	Then there was the little deer that I surprised around another corner. It didn’t seem to mind that I was there even though we were just a few feet away from each other.
	The end of the point is all rocky. About halfway out in this pile of rocks, is a large horizontal flat rock. Like a table or an altar. I like to sit on it facing the end of the point with my back to the trail. On this day, I meditated there. I usually meditate with my eyes closed but tried it with my eyes open looking out to the water and the waves crashing into the rocks that make up this point of land.	I was struck by the difference between meditating with eyes open versus closed. I can understand how eyes open could be easier but for me it was not. Having your eyes open, focusing your vision on something can be a way to stop your mind’s constant spinning and turn down the volume on the ever going internal dialogue. But, for me, all the sights my eyes were feeding me were more stimulation. 
	Just sitting outside in one spot for more than a brief moment is its own thing though. When did I stop doing that? I saw things that I would have missed while walking. The sitting was an enjoyable contrast to the walking. 
	And all those rocks at the end. As a kid, I lived close to a river with a rocky coast. We would run along the edge of the river, hopping from rock to rock. We weren’t worried about falling, we were kids having fun at high speed. (I have no memory of any of us ever falling.) Finding my way along the point, from rock to rock, I was still doing the same thing as an older man that I’d done as a kid. That amused me. 
	As I made my way back from the end of the point, to the parking lot, this time along the other side of the point, I continued to think about the little game of saying “Hi” to people that I was playing. Generally, I’m not a super friendly person but I decided that saying “Hi” to all the people I passed on the trail was a value add. It brought a smile to my face. I don’t always even like people that much. I’m content to be alone but there are people everywhere. There’s so many more people on the planet now than there were when I was a kid. It’s not easy to get away from other people. So, if people are going to be everywhere, the answer that came to me is to lean into it. I might as well try to make these people that I cross paths with part of the fun. 
	Seeing how people reacted to me was fun too. A lot of people didn’t seem excited by me greeting them as we approached and passed each other on the trail. But there were some people who were really happy. Either way, I just kept on smiling. It made me think of some saying or story I’d heard about not being afraid to be perceived as a fool. Almost like the idea of those who know, know. I would rather be seen as a smiling fool than a brooding stranger. 
	And I would rather be moving outside than sitting inside. I’d rather my inputs be cold wind in my face and Sun in my eyes while I’m surrounded by wildness than the stimulation of a scrolling screen. I have become bored by the screens and I know they’re not real. The exchange between the waves and the land on the shoreline or the sight of trees grasping the Earth on one end while reaching into the sky on the other, those are real. When I give my time to those things, I don’t feel like it was time wasted.

Things have gotten worse when it comes to human interactions. It’s not just me being a grumpy old man. I’ve lived it and have been working with the public for years. The change is real. 

Maybe some of it is our increase in interacting electronically. With those kind of interactions we aren’t getting the same human feedback. We don’t get the same emotional response and it’s harder to remember that it’s a human with feelings on the other side. 

Maybe some of it is our instant gratification culture. The idea of not getting what we want when we want it is now offensive. Patience isn’t a strength, it’s an inconvenience. The deeper dimension to the instant gratification mindset is that it’s selfish. It’s a one sided, one way street. If all we think about is what we want now, we are no longer considering what it looks like from the other side. 

And this type and stage of capitalism, that we live in, is a miserable experience. It’s dehumanizing. Greed is poisonous. Accumulation for the sake of accumulation is an empty, never to be satisfied goal. Enough will never be enough. The people who aren’t super rich but who are near it are often living beyond their means in a state of stress knowing they’re one unexpected expense away from collapse. The people living near the bottom might still have flat screen TVs, microwaves, and smartphones but they’re working shitty jobs and shitty hours. They exist in a world where they are constantly bombarded with the idea of luxury and sold the idea that if they just bought more everything will be better but they’ll never be able to buy more. (It’s the same sales pitch that has the rich living beyond their means, chasing an empty promise of fulfillment through purchases.) And if you’re in the middle, well, you’re pinched. You should feel ok but you know that your chance for doing better is being taken away right before your eyes. You’re doing well enough but you’re not doing better than you were and the system is being rigged more and more to make it so you never will. You’re just hoping you’ll be able to afford retirement. 

If we all want it now and we’re all stressed and we’re living in a society that dehumanizes us and doesn’t even value our existence but only values what we can consume then we’re not set up to have decent interactions with each other. This system of greed is also actively trying to divide us and see people as “other” instead of humans with the same emotions and struggles. Angry at “others” and valuing consumption instead of our human experience, we are distracted. This is a winning formula for those at the top but for the rest of us it sinks us deeper into the shit. 

No matter our situation we can look for things to be grateful for. Gratitude is the antidote to despair. When we think things are bad we can choose to search out the positives. We aren’t likely to see them if we aren’t looking. The false promise we’re fed is that we’ll feel better if we buy more or buy the newer version. That promise makes us competitors. We aren’t really competitors. There’s enough to go around, it’s just that the people running the show are hoarding most of it. Kindness and compassion are free and they make you feel better than any purchase ever can. There are no competitors with kindness; there’s an unlimited supply. 

At this point, being decent to each other might be a subversive act. Be kind. Be a revolutionary.

Looking through old photos creates a swirl of thoughts and feelings. You really can’t appreciate what’s happening when it’s happening. Even in the moments when you’re all in and aware of the specialness of the moment, aware that it won’t last, marking the moment in your memory…even in those moments when you do realize and appreciate…it still slips away. So why do we still let little things inflame us? Why do we still let pettiness come between us? Looking through old pictures makes me appreciate it all even more. It makes me see how good I’ve had it and how well we’ve done (despite the way that we only hold on to our failures). But all the little flare ups and the unappreciated moments…they make me want to cry a little.

Scrolling through photos like this is to revisit this life. It creates a deep hole with a slippery edge. It’s so easy to feel that regret or to feel that sorrow over the moments we didn’t appreciate. Over the moments we made the wrong choice or said the wrong thing or let anger or annoyance take over. This is the dark side of nostalgia, sinking into that hole. 

But as I kept scrolling through the past towards the present, it’s just as easy to jump right back out of that hole because of all the great moments. Why do we hold on to the moments we fucked up and the moments we didn’t give our all to? The story I was being told, as I kept scrolling, was a good story. I didn’t even remember 2023 and I’ve told myself a story about how hard 2024 was but when I relived those years, through those photos, I didn’t see it that way. 

Once we’ve made it through challenging times or sorrow, we don’t stop to feel good that we made it. Maybe because there’s no clear end to it. One challenge just blends into the next and there’s almost always a challenge or sorrow floating around somewhere in our story. Nostalgia is slippery and it does us no good to live in the past, but to revisit what we’ve already been through, from time to time, gives us a different view and let’s us change the story that we’re telling ourselves. The view we have in the moment is out of context. We’re too full of that moment and having to put our energy into getting through it. When we look back on it, we can see it without that effort. Seeing it when it’s over allows us to see the good that we couldn’t see then and to appreciate it because once we’re on the other side we’ve been able to exhale. We’re no longer holding on so tightly. The work is over. 

Looking back like this does create a yin/yang set of competing feelings. This time the good, appreciative feelings outweigh the regrets. But the way we let ourselves get off track and the way we let ourselves miss out on what’s right in front of us still hurts. Looking back let me rewrite the story I was telling myself but it also has me seeing how much more there is to do. It scared me how quickly this year is unfolding and there’s so much farther I want to go. I hope I have enough time to make it there. 

My children have reached the age where they really are in charge of their own journeys. They still know next to nothing and they are still far from being self-sufficient but they can not be told what choice to make. If there is a fork in the road and I point to the shortcut they will take the other path just to prove that it isn’t longer. As much as cliches are cheesy and over used, they are true. And whoever came up with “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” must have been a parent. In light of this, I’ve found myself thinking about what I do want to teach these unteachable humans. And this is what I’ve come up with:

• Train yourself to be less reactive. Your autopilot, mind, and body will react to almost everything. Annoying, frustrating things happen often, everyday. What if you didn’t feel annoyed or frustrated? What if you just saw it and handled it without emotion?
• Eat plants and whole foods. Limit processed foods. Limit sugar and alcohol. Yes, sugar and alcohol are enjoyable but there’s a big difference between a treat and a habit.
• Prioritize sleep.
• Prioritize real friendships and put the effort in to stay connected to the high quality people in your life.
• Use your muscles. You don’t have to be a body builder, but resistance training is the panacea.
• Your body is a machine made for walking. Take walks regularly.
• Search for awe. Watch sunrises or sunsets. Look at the clouds or the stars. Notice flowers. Go to the ocean or get out into the woods.
• Find time to regularly check in with yourself. Journal. Meditate.
• Have fun. Play games. Be silly. Keep it light as much as possible. Nobody gets out of this alive anyway.
• But hold yourself accountable. Keep learning and embrace being uncomfortable. Take your personal growth seriously.
• None of these things will just happen. You have to make your life happen. Live your days with intention. There may not be enough time in the day to do everything but there is enough time to do many things. Get up earlier, stay motivated after work, spend less time on screens. Your life is your responsibility. Take charge, get in the driver’s seat, and turn off auto pilot. Set goals. In order to get the life you want you will need to put in effort. However, you will not see the results of this effort immediately. This is the hardest part! Your effort will pay off down the road if you are consistent. Trust the process. Embrace the process not the goal. Everyday is practice for who you want to become. Put in the effort daily or you will end up where the current takes you instead of where you want to be. 
• Your feelings are not as important as you think they are. You don’t feel like going to work? Ok, go to work anyway. You feel sad? Ok, exercise anyway. You shouldn’t ignore or bury your feelings but your life shouldn’t be ruled by them either. You’ve got to keep moving forward even if you aren’t feeling great. (Appreciate the moments when you do feel great because there will be lots of times when you do not.)
• Regarding that last point, a time will likely come when you feel really bad. Full of despair. You will have lived long enough to have experienced too much grief, disappointment, hurt or difficulties. This is ok and normal. You may even feel like you’ve had enough and you don’t want to experience anymore. Not suicidal, just worn out. When this happens, acknowledge why you feel this way. This hurt is real but your goal must be to simply ENDURE. You will not always feel this badly. In every moment, there are simultaneously beautiful and horrible things taking place. Be grateful for the beauty. Your despair will help you appreciate the beauty in your life even more. Endure and be grateful.

Meditation is medication.

There are many ways to meditate. There has been much written about meditation by people with more skill at writing and more skill at meditating than I have, but I’ve written this anyway. A simple way is to just sit and focus on your breath in and out. Breathe in through your nose. That is important. Try to breathe normally but deeply. Count the breaths 1 to 10 then go back to 1. This gives your mind an easy way to focus on your breath.

You will have thoughts. Many thoughts. Try to acknowledge the thought, let it go rather than focusing on it and return to counting your breaths. The goal is not to control your mind or to eliminate thoughts. The goal is to observe your thoughts. Once you truly become the observer then you realize that you are not creating these thoughts. Your mind is constantly pumping out thoughts and looking for your attention. When you become the observer instead of the owner of these thoughts you have created distance between you and the thoughts. You can more easily let them go instead of being immersed in them. 

The results spiral and layer upon each other. In your daily life, when you are able to recognize and acknowledge thoughts and emotions as they appear, you are also able to let them go (the same way you let a thought go while meditating). This allows you to not be consumed by them in your normal life. You do not have to be swept away by each thought or emotion that comes up. This allows you to be more present in each moment instead of being distracted. This allows you to more truly see what is really important in each moment. The more that all this happens the more your mind actually changes because it wants your attention! You may notice that you have less negative thoughts because you’ve taught your mind that they will not receive attention. That’s the spiral. All the benefits create additional benefits like a positive feedback loop.

Also, people often say “I’m not good at meditation. My mind just wonders.” Back up. How much effort did you put into your practice? What in your life have you been awesome at without sustained effort? It takes practice.

Lastly, if this sounds like bullshit there is another physical, scientifically proven benefit. Breathing in through your nose allows you to fill the lowest parts of your lungs that are not filled by mouth breathing. That activates your parasympathetic nervous system which is the opposite of fight or flight. You will receive real physical benefits from this type of meditation just by focusing on breathing in through your nose even if you don’t feel like you are making progress letting your thoughts go. ॐ

Our minds pump out thoughts to distract our attention step away observe

I have two opposing thoughts about pain. Most of the time I say to myself, “A little pain never hurt anybody”. But occasionally I contradict myself with something short and sweet: “Pain hurts”. 

Wisdom from our waiter on our anniversary lunch date: “Sometimes the only way out is in.”

It occurs to me, when dealing with other humans, that everyone wants to drive the car. But everyone can’t drive the car. In a car there is only one steering wheel and one set of pedals. So everyone who is not behind the wheel needs to just sit there, accept that they are not in control and shut the fuck up. This advice applies to every other situation that you find yourself in when you are not in control. Don’t attempt to tell someone how to do their job if things aren’t going your way. Truly, it is not helpful. Leave the driving to the driver. 

If you love Oreos but haven’t tried the Coke flavored Oreos yet, what are you waiting for? Don’t worry about the red dye, I’m sure it’s fine. They are curiously strange yet appealing. 

Humans are freakers. Instead of seeing what’s in front of us and believing what we see, we believe the worries, stories, and drama of our minds. Or worse, we believe the lies and manipulations of other crazy humans. We humans require a lot of handholding too. So often our initial reaction is panic. Why? What good does panic do us? Especially when the stimulus is usually such a small thing. Panic does not help us accomplish what needs to be done. In that way, it is similar to the noise in our mind, just another distraction stirring up drama, that has little to do with reality, as it distracts us from the task at hand.

I’ve probably mentioned this lyric before from “Take Me Home” by Concrete Blonde. “Life is beautiful and terrible and strange.” Today, my friend, Chris wrote, “It’s all sad, weird, and beautiful at the same [time].” He sums up our whole existence in so few words.

I find myself spiraling back around to the same few ideas. I come back from a different angle with more experiences under my belt. Maybe even with a little better understanding but I’m still working on the same few ideas over and over again. < hold that thought > I am human thus I complain. I haven’t liked complaining for a long time but I still do it. I’ve tried to change my approach to complaining though. Instead of just dumping out negativity, I try to make it entertaining for my audience. Either giving my listener a chance to laugh at me or laugh at what I’m complaining about. But it’s really still not a good use of my time. There is a difference between complaint and critique but even an accurate, well-worded critique doesn’t usually produce results. The idea here that I keep spiraling back to is that things are what they are. The circumstances we find ourselves in unfold in ways that are largely out of our control. Do we complain or do we accept & adjust? The world isn’t here for us and it’s a narrow point of view to think that it is. We feel pain because we want our circumstances to be different than they are. We don’t often have control over the circumstances but we do have control over the gap between what we want and what happens. We can narrow that gap and lessen our emotional response to our circumstances. We start each day with a certain amount of time and energy in the tank. Spending some of that time and energy on complaining is not a wise transaction.

What would you do if you were not afraid? That’s not my line and I’m pretty sure that I’ve mentioned it before but it sticks with me. Maybe it’s easy to dismiss worded that way. What would you do if you were more confident? What would you do if you didn’t listen to the voice in your head and all the excuses it’s giving you not to do anything new? What would you do if you didn’t care about the outcome? What would you do if you believed that it’s ok to fail? 

No one is bad at meditating. At worst, you’re quieting sitting with your thoughts. That’s kind of the point anyway. To notice that “your” thoughts aren’t really yours. Your mind is a thought producing machine that works independently from the real you. 

Like water coming up through the cracks in the foundation of our homes, our big issues will resurface if not dealt with. They underlie our foundation. They may be hidden but they are still there below the surface and when conditions are right they will reappear.

At the core of anxiety is self doubt. If we believed that we could get through it (whatever “it” is) we wouldn’t be feeling so anxious about it. Remind yourself what you’ve already been through. You will get through this too.

Learn to become comfortable being uncomfortable. See above. So much of life is uncomfortable, and out of our control. Get used to it. It’s ok that we are not really in control. 

Don’t know who said this…“Observe. Don’t absorb.” That reminds me of “Don’t React. Respond.” That one’s from Pearl Jam. But that idea of not absorbing is big. How often do we absorb the energy that’s coming at us. If someone gives us a shitty attitude, we get upset about it. But it’s their attitude, not ours. I don’t want their shitty attitude, so why do I allow myself to absorb it? When people act shitty they are announcing to the world who they are. We don’t need to participate in their display of assholery. 

It feels kind of foolish to give into this line of thinking but it does feel like a lot of people are going through some difficult things right now. It definitely gives some perspective to my own challenges. Mine are a lot smaller than the challenges many people I know are experiencing. It does begin to pile up though even when it’s not directly affecting us. It’s a huge bummer to know that people are suffering. But I also learned something and was reminded of something over the past couple of weeks. Learned: just show up. Putting yourself in the presence of someone who is going through something shows that you care and it does matter. Reminded: everyday is a blessing. It doesn’t always feel like it but that doesn’t make it untrue. 

Summer’s Almost Gone

Kids are definitely the worst part about parenting.

Looking inward is necessary to grow but looking outward is necessary to live.

The world continues to be on fire this summer. Literally and figuratively. I completely understand that we all don’t and won’t see everything the same way but I completely don’t understand why/how people support a “leader” who is telling them that the goal is to take away their rights, take away control of their own bodies, and use methods like censorship to control what they think. 

Sometimes it’s hard to enjoy the downtime. And sometimes it’s hard to find the downtime.

This is probably the trick to a good life all the time but it seems particularly difficult to sort out in middle age: BALANCE. There are so many things we have to do. And so much of our time is already accounted for with work, appointments and obligations with/for kids. Then we have to fit in taking care of our health, which can end up feeling like another have to do instead of a want to do. But damn, we’ve gotta fit in lazy time and fun time and play time too! We’re not really living if we aren’t playing and having fun. Balance is hard.

Pretty sure this is my longest gap between posts. It’s not that I don’t have any ideas, it’s that I haven’t had the chances to sit still quietly or the headspace to do anything with the ideas. Here’s at least a mishmash of little things since it’s been a while.

As I age the idea that it’s all in our minds grows stronger and stronger. Recently, I have been recovering from a surgery and the mental part of it has been as important as the physical. Our body will respond to what we put it through but we have to have the mindset to do that work. When your body is screaming “no” then your mind echoes “no” you have to be able to ignore them both and push past those false limits. 

We can’t wait for things to be perfect. Perfect will never get here. Our lives are happening now, right in front of us.

How often are we able to turn off or at least turn down the constant background noise? It’s the mental background noise that I’m talking about. “What am I going to do next?” “I have this, this, and this to do today.” “I need to be here at this time but still do this before I leave.” Sometimes it feels like I’m not living. I’m just checking off boxes on my mental to do list. Are we living when we’re just chasing a to do list? I don’t think so. We have to turn down the volume on that mental background noise in order to really hear and really live.

I love an easy, steady rain on a Spring or Summer day. It sets a mood.

The sweet spot between putting no limits on ourselves and having no expectations on ourselves is the key to high achievement. That allows us to be fully engaged in the moment without any pressure of expectations or any filters from what we think our limits are. The pressure of expectations and the cloud of self-imposed limits get in between us and the moment. To see the moment clearly we need to be looking at the moment, not looking at expectations or limits.

I don’t know who said this. I’ve heard it or read it several times. I’ve always liked it and came across it again recently. “Don’t lose sight of what you have while chasing what you want.”

Somewhere, somewhen, our idea of how to handle ourselves got a little screwed up. The idea that it’s a sign of weakness to cry or to admit to feeling down is strange. We shouldn’t cry if we’re sad but we can yell at someone because we’re angry they pulled out in front of us in traffic? How is losing yourself to anger a sign of strength? Feeling our emotions and being in tune with them is not weakness, it is authenticity. Giving away our self-control to whatever emotion overtakes us is weakness. Too many of our “leaders” speak out of anger. I don’t want leaders who are ruled by their emotions. I want leaders who are aware of their emotions, are not ashamed of their emotions, but are still able to stay in control of themselves despite their emotions.

2024. Why haven’t I been writing? It’s been a strange time. There’s a few different factors that when put together form the explanation. It’s not just the writing. It’s a general sense of haziness and lack of focus.

I had been looking forward to a day near the end of 2023. I had been seeing that day on the horizon the whole year and was working toward it. I had goals set and I was focused all year on those goals and that day. 2023 was a journey towards that day. 

And the day came and went. Then what? I didn’t abandon everything I’d been doing or give up on what I’d accomplished but the focus and intensity weren’t there anymore. It’s natural to have a let down in that situation. I recognized that and wasn’t concerned about it. 

The end of 2023 and the beginning of 2024 was an in between time while I regrouped and figured out what was next. But I never quite got there. Everyone in my house was sick in January. January was incredibly gray even by New England standards. And it was wet. That’s a tough combination in the winter. If you can deal with the grayness and cold you still have the potential to get outside but when it’s wet that’s an unpleasant threesome.

We were just slogging our way through January and the start of 2024. Before 2024 started I was excited about it but once it got here I was still transitioning from pushing toward those 2023 goals and then the sickness and the weather of January…it just slowed the whole process down of getting to what’s next. 

And the little stressors kept adding in. Our older dog had been living with heart failure for sometime and in January we put her down. That sucked. I never had to make that decision before. Our last dog died suddenly and spared us of that. This time we had to choose. And she was our kids first dog. Anything unpleasant sucks even more when you have to watch people you care about suffer through it too.

While we had things to celebrate in February there had been an almost constant stream of drama in our lives all year and it continued and perhaps heightened in February. If the things that are adding to the pile are little, the pile is still getting bigger. 

I could step back and look at the big picture and see that we were fine. The big stuff was ok. More than ok. But the lives we were living day to day were stressful and the weather was gray, wet, and cold (thankfully February’s weather was an improvement on January).

There was a point near the end of February when I might have lost my mind a little. 

But what I found throughout all of this was that even though I was unfocused and the view was foggy, I wasn’t floundering. My baseline or set point was different than it used to be. The work of the previous year (and really all the years) had made a difference. Being aimless in my teens or twenties was vastly different than being aimless now. I had routines and rituals in place to keep me on track even if I didn’t know where that track was going. 

So what am I doing here? Why am I telling you all of this? It’s not a confessional. When I write these things I’m trying to draw some conclusions. I’m not trying to tell my story. When I write about my own experiences I’m trying to do it in a way that is relatable. Or if you can’t relate to what I’m writing about I’m at least trying to make it entertaining so that you can laugh at me. 

This year has been strange so far. I’m still sorting it out and trying to figure out where I’m headed but it’s fine. It’s not a big deal. I’m not thrown off by not knowing what I’m doing or what I’m aiming at. We all don’t age the same way, but for those of us that are paying attention and trying to learn and grow there really are advantages that come with age. It’s harder for us to lose our balance. I’m not afraid that the view is foggy or that I can’t really see where the road is going because I’ve been driving for a long time now and I’ve driven through worse weather than this. 

For those of you that relate to that, congratulations to you. But we’re all not old. The young among us FEEL what they’re experiencing. They haven’t been practicing as long. Their baseline isn’t as well established. They haven’t been through it as many times and can’t fall back on previous experiences. It hurts more. It feels more serious. Sometimes it feels like the end. 

When we’re old we know it’s not the end. There are lyrics from my favorite Pearl Jam song that I always think about: “And if our lives became too long would it add to our regret? And the young, they can lose hope ’cause they can’t see beyond today. The wisdom that the old can’t give away, hey”

We can avoid that regret by being present in each moment and by passing along what we learn. Be kind to the youngsters, they don’t know what we know yet. Tell them to hang on.