Christmas made me sad this year. Not all day but it’s the destination that I finally arrived at. Nothing stays the same and even the way we feel about and experience holidays changes over the course of our lives.
Christmas this year was pretty smooth. A nice family time. No real drama. Our kids are still young enough that Christmas is fun and they’re into it but they are old enough that we all know what’s happening. The “magic” is gone.
I’m not sure that I like that last sentence but I don’t know how else to word it. I think getting together with people that you love and the act of giving them a gift is pretty magical. But it’s a fine line between that positive experience and the obligation and commercialism of it all.
Anyway, Christmas this year wasn’t stressful. It was easy to enjoy. But as the day progressed, the kids went off to do their thing with their new gifts and as an adult I was left in limbo. It’s good to have a day to chill out and relax, but Thanksgiving is like that too. Christmas has a different feel than Thanksgiving. It was the second half of the day let down. The “now what?” feeling when the presents have been opened and the fun part of the day is over.
Eventually, during that limbo part of the day, my mind began to think about all the people who would be part of the Christmas magic for me but are now gone. I really try to force myself to see the positive side of these remembrances. When it’s the birthday of someone I love that has died, I remind myself that instead of being sad that they are gone I can just as easily be happy that I have the excuse to think about them and remember them. And thinking like that kept me from feeling miserable this Christmas but it didn’t snap me out of the melancholy.
I thought back to what past Christmases were like for me. As a kid, it was all about the presents and maybe seeing some family, but as the day went on I would just play with my presents and maybe we’d play a family game or something. As I got a little older, I’d go out with friends or a girlfriend on Christmas night. I’d escape the limbo of just sitting around the house. I definitely went to see a movie a few times on Christmas night. Then as I got older, I’d go out to a bar. I know that there were a few years, when the Chicago Bulls were really good, that they’d play a Bulls game on Christmas and even though sports isn’t very Christmasy, it was still a fun thing to do at the end of the day.
This year we did end up playing some family games so we came back together and enjoyed each other’s company. And my wife and I wait until the end of the day to give each other our stockings alone, just the two of us. We don’t get big gifts for each other. We do stockings for each other with smaller, fun gifts. And that was a nice moment in the evening toward the end of the day. It’s a moment together to appreciate what we’ve got and what we’ve been through and it is a chill, meaningful way to wrap up the day.
But even the family games and quiet, private moment with my wife didn’t completely extinguish the tinge of sadness for me this year. The day was unexpectedly smooth. I couldn’t have hoped for it to go better. Maybe that’s what created the space in my emotions to find that sadness. I wasn’t already worn out by some drama or unpleasant family moment. Maybe it’s just weird to be middle-aged and I’m still getting used to it. Whatever the cause, there was a sadness around the edges of Christmas and it felt strange since it really was such a good day.