We forget the lessons that we learn. Constantly. We need to relearn them or at least be reminded of them. Then we must reintegrate the lesson into our lives. Then we forget it again. This is the way of it. The answer is to do something regularly to keep us tuned into these lessons and keep us grounded on the path upon which we are attempting to stride.
“Don’t take it personally” is a good lesson. It’s one that I had forgotten about. I ended 2021 with bitterness. The last few months of the year, I wasn’t just frustrated or even angry; it was worse than that. I was bitter. Fortunately, I had some time at the very end of the year to digest what had been happening and how I had been handled it. I was able to step back enough to evaluate how I was feeling and make the conscious decision that I did not like it. And I did not want to continue it or allow myself to repeat it.
The things that I was angry about that led to my bitterness had not changed. I chose to change how I felt about those things. Bitterness and anger weren’t changing the things that were bothering me. Bitterness and anger were changing me.
The biggest tool in making this change was remembering that I should not be taking things personally. Like all good lessons, it is so simple. It’s easy to be fooled by its simplicity. It’s easy to not take it seriously or delve deep enough into what it means because, on the surface, it sounds so obvious. But it’s deep and simple at the same time.
When someone lashes out at me and raises their voice, speaks rudely or even calls me names, all of those things are under the control of the other person, not me. That anger, rudeness, and name calling are not mine. They are theirs. Because it’s aimed at me and because I have an ego, I feel like it’s about me. I feel hurt or disrespected. But I am choosing that hurt or disrespect. That is the part that’s under my control.
I could remember that even though the anger is coming at me, it’s not my anger. This is not actually about me. This is about the person who is angry. In that way, I can step aside from the anger. I do not need to be angry because the person talking to me (or at me) is angry. Their anger is their business.
When I remember that it’s not about me, it creates space and opportunity for other things to happen. It’s easier to find compassion or understanding for this angry person when I’m not feeling angry myself. It creates the internal space to continue to be the person that I am trying to be instead of just being on autopilot.
Not taking it personally doesn’t just apply to personal interactions. All of us are tired of, frustrated by or angry about Covid by now. We feel the impact on our lives, the limitations, the fears, the fatigue, the divisiveness of it. But it’s not about any one of us. This miserable thing is happening all over the world. Covid is one of the few things that we all have in common (even if we don’t act like it). So Covid sucks and living with it sucks and living with the all the fall out from it sucks. But it doesn’t just suck for me. It’s not about just me. It’s not aimed at me. It’s just out there like the weather or gravity. It’s happening to everyone.
The same is true for the crap we deal with at work. My employer was the biggest cause of my bitterness last year. But lots of people work for the same company. I’m not alone in dealing with these issues or thinking these thoughts or feeling these feelings. It’s not about me. Remembering to not take it personally, created some distance in how I saw my complaints. When we aren’t taking it personally, we can see it without feeling it. That makes it easier to deal with it. Are my feelings justified or am I overreacting? Is this real? Is it likely to change? What can I do? We can look at the problem and evaluate it without emotion when we stop taking it personally.
The situation still sucks but I feel calmer about it when it’s not about me. It’s just another thing that’s come up to deal with, it’s not some personal attack. It’s not just some philosophical argument to say “don’t take it personally”. The space created between me and what’s bothering me, by not taking it personally, makes the entire view different.
But I’m going to forget this. I’m going to be on autopilot and just react with emotion to the emotions thrown at me. Or react with emotion to the crappy situation I find myself in. Unless I keep reminding myself, “Don’t take it personally”. So far this year, “Don’t take it personally” has turned into a mantra for me. I’ve been saying it to myself and repeating it to myself when necessary. as often as necessary, to keep myself from sliding back into those old ways of perceiving things and reacting to things. At the end of last year when I was evaluating how I was feeling and handling things and I remembered that I didn’t need to take things personally, I did not intend for that saying to become a mantra. But it works as one. No matter how much I prepare myself and think things through ahead of time, I still find myself on autopilot and reacting to things moment to moment. Reminding myself not to take it personally disrupts the autopilot and resets my trajectory. Instead of just reacting to what’s happening, I can stay on course.
Don’t take it personally. Try it.