How many articles or headlines have you seen over the years talking about how hard it is to make friends as an adult? Or about how men are bad at friendship? Or about how men don’t share their feelings? Or about how important it is to reach out for help and support when you’re feeling down? (Sorry ladies but the articles I see are always talking about men.) Generalizations are usually not a good idea but there’s probably some truth in there if all these articles keep popping up.
I do think it takes more effort to make and maintain friendships as adults simply because the amount of time that we overlap with our friends is less so we have to put in the effort to make that time happen. And even if we have good friends, we are still programmed to take care of ourselves or not burden other people with our problems. Or maybe it’s a pride thing where we feel like accepting help shows weakness or incompetence or something. So, it’s harder to make friends as an adult and even if we have friends we might be reluctant to ask for help. Ok, fine.
But there’s another side to the topic. People are reluctant to share their good news and good fortune too. People might even be more reluctant to share a success than they are to ask for help. Think about it. If you get a raise do you tell your friends? If your kid gets all A’s or has some athletic accomplishment do you tell your friends? People are afraid to share their good news because they don’t want to sound like they’re bragging. Or they don’t want to make someone else feel bad if things might not be going as well for the other person. Or they don’t want people to think they’re trying to compete with them or whatever other reasons people have for keeping quiet about the good stuff. And I’m not talking about going on Facebook and posting about good stuff. Fuck that, I’m not even discussing that. I’m talking about sharing these good events with your close friends that you spend time with and care about. I’m talking about sharing good news with the people who you would rush out the door to help if they needed you.
This is a missed opportunity. If you already have close friends and you’re willing to help them in their time of need and even though you might not want to ask them for help you know that they would help you, then why not share and enjoy each other’s successes too? Life is full of miserableness. Yes, life is full of good stuff too (and that’s what I’m talking about). But, for real, life is full of miserableness. This is not a pain-free ride. So, why are we not leveraging these close friendships to add some more happiness and positivity into our lives?
If you care about a friend enough to be there when they need your help then you care about them enough to be excited about their success. If my friend gets a raise I’m not going to feel jealous or feel bad about my job. I’m going to be excited for them. If a friend’s child does something great, I’m not going to be bummed that it wasn’t my kid, I’m going to feel good and be proud of their child too. After all, we’re watching all these kids grow up right along with our own kids. I’m cheering for my friends’ kids almost as hard as I’m cheering for my own.
The big lesson of being middle aged is not just that having close friendships is good for our quality of life. It’s not just that the people we have these relationships with can help pick us up when we’re down. It’s that they can lift us up higher when we aren’t down. Their joys and successes can be our joys and successes. We can get residual good vibes from their good fortunes, ride their coattails and get a little boost.
Yes, share your struggles and hard times with your friends because we all can use that help and that lift. But share the good stuff too! I want to hear about your successes and your achievements. I want that free good mood boost. I want to feel the vicarious positivity from your good times. If I’m feeling down, I can use that little boost from you and if I’m already feeling good, I can still feel better. Bring on your successes!