A friend of mine died today or maybe last night. I’m so tired of people dying. I’m not tired of it. I guess I’m angry about it. And worn out by it. And definitely saddened by it. I am trying so hard to learn and grow and to keep getting better. Any of you reading this stuff know that. I’m pouring my guts out in these words so you know what I’m talking about. But I’m not getting any better at dealing with death. I can actually see the sadness that I feel from all these deaths. I picture it as a big pile and every time someone else I know dies another heap of sadness gets thrown onto the pile and the pile just keeps getting bigger. It’s just sitting there casting its shadow on me.
It’s making me fucking sick.
I just don’t know what to do with myself. Crying doesn’t make my pile any smaller. Remembering all the good about these people, seeing their smiles, appreciating each fleeting moment even more every time someone dies doesn’t make getting the news that someone else has died any easier or any better.
I’m sick of it.
I lost a best friend back in April, a slow, painful death from lung disease, broke my heart. I’ve been processing it and have decided that instead of viewing it as tragic and hopeless, I will now think of it as a form of ‘graduation’, as being released from this difficult school that we are born into. I do believe that we move on to a better place where we are reunited with our loved ones and that helps soothe the pain of loss, and in this particular case, it was a blessing for him to be released from so much pain and suffering. ‘Everything dies, baby, that’s a fact. But maybe everything that dies, one day comes back.’
Springsteen gets it, ‘everything is everything’.