After my last post, a friend mentioned that instead of looking at these situations as obstacles I could look at them as opportunities. That’s what I was going for so maybe I didn’t do a good enough job of explaining myself. But it’s also not as easy as just using the word opportunity instead of the word obstacle. It’s like anything else, it requires forethought, practice and training to get good at things and to do things or see things in a different way.
It’s not that easy to put in that effort. It takes time. I’ve been so busy over the past few weeks that I haven’t been able to sit down and write this next post so I know that it’s hard for any of us to fit time into our days to think about how we’re handling our obstacles/opportunities. But if we don’t have a plan, if we don’t take time regularly to regroup, refocus and declutter our minds then we get stuck in the old patterns and just taken along with the tide of our lives.
Here’s my step by step approach to the obstacles/opportunities that come up all day long.
First step is recognizing how we are reacting. I’m not even trying to control my reaction anymore. Maybe some people are able to control how they react but for most of us we may never be able to do that. But we can recognize our reaction and then decide to let it go. Whatever our initial reaction to a situation is we can choose to get off that ride. We don’t have to follow through with that reaction.
Second, I remember a line from Bob Marley. “Speak happiness. It’s sad enough without your woes.” When we complain about the situation that just happened or vent to a friend or coworker we are just reliving it. We are dumping it onto the person we’re talking to and we’re holding onto it. We are creating a feedback loop. We hear ourselves complaining and those words go right back through our ears to our mind and we are reinforcing the beliefs and negativity that got us to react that way in the first place. It seems so normal to complain to a coworker about an interaction you just had with someone. But what good does it do?
Step three is a good one. “Don’t give a fuck.” It’s not my idea. It is really just another way of stating the Buddhist idea of non-attachment. Not giving a fuck does not mean that we shouldn’t try; it means that we shouldn’t care what happens even when we do try. We are in control of how we handle our reactions and how we act but we are not in control of the outcomes. We are not in control of how other people act. So, don’t give a fuck about any of that and just focus on your own business.
https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck
If I’ve tried to recognize how I’m reacting to something and reminded myself to speak happiness and to not give a fuck but I’m still having trouble dealing with a situation then I have a fourth step: Remember that the obstacle is the path. This isn’t any different than calling the situation an opportunity instead of calling it an obstacle. But let’s get real. A lot of the crap that we have to deal with in our lives does not feel like an opportunity. But even if it really feels like a pain in the ass obstacle that’s ok because the obstacle is the path. Just don’t give a fuck, deal with it and move on. That’s the point. Even the obstacles can teach us and help us grow.
The last step is one that didn’t work for me when I was younger. Maybe you have to age into this one or maybe I just wasn’t paying close enough attention. I’ve been rereading The Tao of Willie and he mentions more than once to follow your heart. That’s not Willie’s idea. That’s an old idea but I don’t think it ever really sunk in for me until this time rereading his book. Doing what we think is the right thing or doing what our head says is the right thing isn’t always the right thing. We can think ourselves into corners. Sometimes the best, simplest path is to follow our heart. It may not be the easiest path. It may not be the choice that our rational, thinking brain would pick but it may still be the right path.
I’ve got one more thing that I use to keep myself aimed in the right direction. It’s not really a step in this process. It’s a separate but parallel thing. It’s just a way of framing what’s happening. Have you seen the movie Parenthood? The big analogy in the movie is comparing life and parenting to a rollercoaster. Some people see it as scary while other people see it as exciting. That’s a pretty good comparison but I think white water rafting is a better one. If you’re riding a rollercoaster you are passive. You are just sitting there. You have no choices and no control. In our lives, a lot of what happens is out of our control but not all of it. We are not passive riders we are active participants and the choices we make affect our outcomes and affect our ability to handle these situations that come up. When you’re white water rafting, you have to steer, you have to decide which side of that big rock you need to pass, you have to paddle hard sometimes and just let the current take you sometimes.
When I’m starting to feel a little edgy or a little stressed or I’m just not enjoying the ride I remind myself that I’m white water rafting. The rapids are exciting but if you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing in the raft then it can be fun instead of scary. Just reminding myself about the white water rafting comparison is usually all it takes for me to chill out a bit and start enjoying the ride again. Reframing the situation as an exciting ride gets me thinking about it in a different way, gets me back to thinking about the things I do have control of and also gets me back to trying to have some fun with whatever craziness I’m dealing with.
I might be insane but these are the things that I do in my head in an effort to not be stressed and in an effort to have fun with all the nonsense and crap that I deal with on a daily basis. Try it if you want or tell me your approach if you’ve got one that works.
Good luck.