I had recently been thinking about what it means to be in the moment and how it can be possible. It occurred to me that any time we are thinking about our to do list or what’s next, we are not in the moment. It’s that simple, right? If we’re thinking about the future we’re not in this moment. How much of our mental energy is focused on our to do list or thinking about what we want/need to do next? We get ahead of ourselves. We don’t operate in the current moment. How can we be in this moment when at least one eye is gazing toward the moment yet to come? It’s like a receiver in a football game taking his eye off the ball gazing down the field where he plans to run. How often have you seen a pass dropped because of that gaze ahead? After thinking about this I saw a quote by Eckhart Tolle reinforcing this idea about looking ahead. It’s been written about and talked about so many times. The volume of discussion shows how difficult it is to not think ahead and just be in the present moment.
Around the same time, I was thinking about being empty. Being empty to accept the moment. Being empty to allow the emotions and events that occur to just pass through us instead of getting stuck with us. In meditation, that is focused on the breath, we are trying to let every other thought just pass through. We are trying to create this emptiness where the only thing occupying our present is our breath. It’s just air easily passing through. If we are empty of expectations and empty of judgements and empty of the worry of “what if”, then we are open to what actually is happening. When we are empty of those expectations and judgements, then the emotions that are stirred each moment can more easily pass through and not get stuck.
I think all of this sounds great. But I am not a mystical hermit living in the wilderness. I’m in the thick of the rat race like you. I’ve been thinking about how these ideas and this approach to life can be achieved while actively participating in the rat race for many years. Parenting is an even more intense fueler of attachments and emotions. I’ve been thinking about how to apply these ideas and this approach to the life of a parent for over a decade.
I have come to a conclusion. We can try to do it. We can try to live mindfully in this moment without shifting our gaze to the future. We can try to remain detached from the constant current of our emotions and stay empty and centered. But we will fail. The very nature of parenthood makes it impossible to not gaze ahead. It makes it even more impossible to not become overcome by our emotions.
Children are the best AND the worst. Yin and Yang.
Parenting is repetition. The repetition involved in parenting a child is so vast and lasts so long it’s Sisyphean. The rock just keeps rolling back down the hill. I could have the most satisfying talk with one of my children. I was calm. We were looking into each other’s eyes. I know what I was saying was understood. Then sixty seconds later it’s the same thing all over again. (picture my head smashing through a wall)
Frustration is not only a normal response here but it’s a completely justified response. Very little about parenting a child makes sense. Children are only partly rational. As much as we might remember being a child and how it felt, we are looking back at it with our rational, fully-developed adult mind. We can not really remember or know what the child’s mind is like.
And even in those moments when we are at our best and our most patient, we are still dealing with another being. A being with their own free will. Anything can happen.
This is why we will fail to remain calmly in the moment, fail to allow our emotions to pass and instead become attached or frustrated or angry or sad or outright crazed. From now on, instead of getting more frustrated, angry or sad because of my failure, I will try to accept that failure is the only possible outcome. Now maybe I can be entertained by the consistency of my struggle and even laugh at my failure. Like the fool laughing at the truth that only he sees, I’ll be laughing as I bash my head against the wall.
But even judging our interactions as failures requires an expectation. If we take it a step further and not just release the belief that it’s possible to stay calm and unattached while parenting, but release any ideas about what is or isn’t possible to achieve while parenting, then we’d really be making progress. Having a goal or a desired outcome creates the dichotomy of success and failure. How difficult it would be to just parent in the moment without thinking about a desired outcome. If we could really parent in the moment like that, maybe that would be the secret to the limitless patience that the repetition of parenthood requires.
Parenting equals attachments and expectations. For anyone else, it is next to impossible to let go of attachments and expectations. For a parent, it is impossible. We can succeed when we focus on the moment instead of some unattainable idea of how we should be. Just like the cliche of finding joy in the journey instead of worrying about the destination.